I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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