So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
