You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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