do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
