Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
