TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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