I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
