I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
