Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
