So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
