I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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