Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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