Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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