She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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