I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
