Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
