the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
