The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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