I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
True college students do jello shots in the library
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
