Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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