I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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