New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There's always time for handjobs
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You were trust falling into bushes
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
