Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
