If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
