This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
