I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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