My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
