My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
