Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
