i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I understand Curling. That high.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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