if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
