a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
