She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
