one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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