You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
