That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
