so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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