I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
