Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
