He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
