remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
