The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
