Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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