yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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