new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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