1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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