She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
