Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
