I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
