so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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