I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
