i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
