I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
